The Only Solution Is Love

I'm still planning to finish my series on Becoming a Not-Man that I blogged a few posts of last fall.  It was quite an exertion, writing those; yet through the act of writing, some connections and realizations became more clear.  Beneath the surface of daily life and my homemade diversions, I'm still meditating on those things, and I'll write more when my thoughts are ready to see the light of day.

In the meantime, however, Andrew Sullivan has, eloquently, put his finger on the heart of the matter; and it's always reassuring to hear that these deep, deep wounds have not been suffered by me alone, that I am not the only bloodied veteran of the terrible battle for self-respect - a battle that, unlike Jacob's wrestling with the angel of the Lord, is never truly finished:

It's hard to explain how the gay man's psyche survives childhood and adolescence and early adulthood even in a completely tolerant society. To feel unworthy in the depths of one's being is a wound that takes decades to heal and courage to face. Many young gay people feel it; more to the point, in my view, many young gay people will always feel it - because being different in such a profound way from one's peers as one grows up is inevitably isolating. To live in a world where all the institutions are designed for the other, and to navigate a path through that, is really tough. So, yes, happiness can be elusive or too easily bought.

But this is life. It is tougher for many gays than straights, but not always. And this is the human reality: men die and they are not happy, to go all Camus on you. We have to suck it up and deal with it, and realize how insanely lucky we are to be born as homosexuals in one of the very few periods in time when we haven't been targeted for murder or jail or unmitigated obloquy.

I don't think I would have gotten through intact without God, my friends, my family and my husband. The first matters. The double bind for gay kids is that the refuge I believe they need - a loving God to heal and protect them - is actively hostile in many faith communities. And so the internal isolation deepens, even as the search for faith is often the most tenacious among those the churches deem unworthy of it. The temptation to drink or do drugs as an alternative is very strong - and, frankly, not entirely unhealthy in moderation as a way to find moments of transcendence or escape or perspective.

But in the end, the only solution is love. I believe that all love comes from God, but whether you do or not, love is still tangible in the human and natural world. Alas, we gay men have taught ourselves so powerfully how we are unworthy of such love, and afraid of it, that we seek it in all the wrong places or grab simulacra of it we then use to punish ourselves.