The Love Drug

Sullivan posts a link to the Worst Love Letter Ever - and I have to agree.

Whoever the kid that wrote it is, I feel so sorry for him.  Because he is stuck in that ridiculous stage of childhood fantasy, even though his body has grown up.  And because he reminds me - and how I blush to recall - of the fact that I have also been just this fucking stupid and totally deluded about my own motives.

The ancient Greeks had two sayings carved on the temple of Apollo, the god of wisdom; one of them was "Know thyself."  How much suffering the human race would be spared if we all took that to heart.

I went steady with two girls in junior high school - yeah, girls:  that was the only game in town forty years ago.  And it was a great boost to my awkward, self-conscious, fumbling adolescent ego.  But even though I was the one to break it off with both of them, I carried a torch for the second one till after I'd graduated from high school.  And pestered her to come back to me; how embarrassing to remember.  Having once felt that ego boost and inner security, I just couldn't let go of it somehow, kept imagining the two of us with a rose-covered cottage, the picket fence, the kids and dogs, etc.  (And of course imagining that the gay thing would somehow just evaporate away if I got married, like a good boy.)

But then by the time I was out of school, I'd developed a crush on a guy friend.  And that went on for several years: we even roomed together for a time, although - stupid me! - we never did anything.  Not really.  Long story there; another time I'll blog about it, perhaps.

And then there have been a couple of others along the road that I held on to in my heart for way, way too long, even after all hope was gone, even after the relationship had torn me all up inside.   It took me many years to learn that wisdom, and in a sense, manliness, is knowing when to let go - and then to let go with grace.

But until you truly grow up on the inside - respect yourself, and learn to stand on your own two feet, come what may, and not to fear being alone - it's hard to let go of the love drug:  just as powerful an addiction as booze or drugs.  I believe it was C. S. Lewis who once wrote that when we say, "I love you," most of the time what we really mean is, "Please love me."

Looking back over my life, I can see the truth of that.  I would have been a much better man if I'd known it sooner.