Andrew Sullivan posted this note from a reader the other day, and it so stuck in my mind as being so deeply revealing of the profound change taking place amongst us that I had to go back and find it again. The relevant excerpts:
I am a 27-year-old gay man, and consider(ed) myself very post-gay and post-marriage since I came out (late, a few years ago). I thought that if society didn't accept me, I would define my relationships myself, that I would forge a new world, a new type of relationship. . . .Of course, there always have been and always will be people who don't want to marry, and those who should not marry. Gay, straight, or otherwise. But notice how the opportunity to marry vividly changes the landscape for us.
You talk about this [marriage equality] being a generally conservative movement, that it is about people in love wanting expansion of a traditional institution to them. But no one talks about the influence this has on single gay men.For the first time since I came out, I feel forced to look at the fact that I am not just in this for dating, for sex. Maybe if I were older, I would already have an identity hardened against being defined by society, and it would not matter so much. But we are on the way to a world where society will accept my relationships, and I will not be able to use outsider status as an excuse for any behavior. . . .
I waver between a deep gratitude to New York for accepting me, and being spiteful for making me grow up. But I suspect that the former emotion will be the lasting one.
It would be very interesting to come back in a hundred years for a day trip and take a peek at the outworkings of all this, wouldn't it?
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2 comments:
These arguments about "heteronormative" behaviors are rampant among some sectors of the LGBT community. Society might sanction the coupling of two people through marriage, and eventually it might not matter whether it's between two men, two women or two people of the opposite sex. But we have this thing called liberty in this country. And people have always bucked societal norms. That's the beauty of living in a free society. You get to choose.
He might feel different when he becomes over. Then again, there are some gay men who never waiver in their opinions on this matter -- and if that's the way they want to be, so be it.
Of course. Which is not, also of course, a reason to try to shame those of us who would love to be able to marry.
The controversy you mention reminds me vividly of the days of Black Separatism, and how black kids would shame each other out of doing well in school or going to college, because "that's a white thing, we shouldn't try to be like the white oppressors, we have our own culture and norms." Right.
Plus ca change, plus c'est le same damn thing.
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