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Life is both faith and love. Without faith, love is only one dimensional and incomplete. Faith helps you to overlook other people's shortcomings, and love them as they are. If you ask too much of any relationship, you can't help but be disappointed. But if you ask nothing, you can't be hurt or disappointed.--Debbie Reynolds, 1964
What I Say: There is much wisdom in what Debbie says here. She ought to know: she was married three times, and all of her marriages ended disastrously. When asked about her husbands in later years, she would smile charmingly and say, "I have no taste in men." Pretty much the same thing happened to Doris Day. You'd think these two women, both beautiful, talented, and vivacious, admired by millions, would have easily found adoring husbands to love, honor, and cherish them. But no -- Love can make fools of us all, whether pretty and popular, or not.
It's only the last sentence in Debbie's statement that I take issue with. In the broadest sense, she is right, I have come to find out: real love is about what you give to the other, not what you get. But of course romantic love is only worth having if it is a two-way street. There has to be a fundamental compatibility of wants and wishes, and a congruence of values, of how you live your lives together. There must be give and take on both sides, so both parties get their needs met most of the time and both are happy with the relationship. Get it all figured out before you commit yourselves, not after.
If you can't work it out, compromise, adjust -- then let it go and just move on. I learned this lesson at great cost. Holding on will only make you crazy, and maybe kill you. It's not worth it, no matter how great the romance. Something better will come along in time, but first you have to get out of the hole of despair and pull yourself back together. Trust me, brother -- when the ship of love sinks, save yourself. There's a time to love, and a time to just let go.
Real love doesn't hurt you, it helps you.
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4 comments:
I've been recalling my first long term partner lately, in part because of your poetry and posts. I gave it a good try for six years, thinking I could fix his problems. It ended disastrously - but for the best. I'm glad I tried and while it was painful and hard, I learned a huge amount about my own problems. I'm blessed now with a wonderful man in my life for almost 44 years - the learning goes on.
Thanks for sharing that. No, you can't change anyone or fix anyone - you have to take him as is, where is, or walk away. But sometimes we just have to learn the hard way.
Love, and the loss thereof, is certainly educational, though. If you survive the heartbreak. And find someone reasonably cooperative to settle down with and try again.
Forty-four years! You certainly are blessed. M.P. and I have been best friends for 15 years now, and living happily together here the last 7 years. I'm not sure either of us could do without the other at this late age. I give thanks for this great blessing every day.
My first relationship was intense for me, maybe not so much for him. I wasn't looking to change him as there wasn't anything I was aware of that needed changing. But that was the problem: I was not aware. They do say love is blind, I guess for a reason. The breakup was heart wrenching, but we both survived, and here I am with Leon, who is, ultimately, the man I really need to be with.
Yes, love is blind and we are too often unaware of it, and of our own flaws and faults. When love goes wrong, we see the faults of the other clearly, maybe too clearly. After much water has gone under the bridge, though, we can see where we made mistakes too - and maybe it was really all or mostly our own fault, our own blindness to reality that caused the pain.
And sometimes Fate throws us together with someone who is really all wrong as a mate but is the dream lover we've been wishing for. That's a dirty trick, and an extra-hard lesson.
But it's all educational, and like you and Davis, I'm in a good place now with someone much more compatible on this earthly sphere, and we're very happy together. And I have hopes that Love is something that endures even beyond the limits of this life, if it really is part of that divine force that moves the stars.
As the old hymn goes, We'll understand it all bye and bye.
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