Just Close Your Eyes and Thank God You're in America

Televangelist Pat Robertson piled a shitload of oh-so-pious advice on a woman who is struggling to forgive her husband's adultery. "Men have a tendency to stray," Robertson said by way of defending the dude. He advised her, "Ask yourself, 'Is he a good provider? Is he nice to the children? Is he handsome?'" and other such irrelevant points. Listen for yourself, fellas:



Now your Head Trucker isn't advising anyone what to do or not do if their spouse strays (address those letters with full particulars to Dear Russ, in care of this blog). But I am pointing out the utter, complete hypocrisy of this con artist and all the others who call down hellfire and damnation on the gays - oh but if a straight boy breaks the rules, well that's okay then - "He's a man," after all - no problem. Not a word, not even a hint about his eternal salvation being in danger.  It's just normal behavior.

Compare this screed via Joe.My.God. from Minnesota evangelist and pompous ass John Piper - emphasis mine:

Living in a sexual relationship with a person of the same sex is forbidden in Scripture with terrifying clarity. 'Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God' (1 Corinthians 6:9–10). This means putting a child in the personal care of a same-sex couple would put the child’s soul at jeopardy along with the couple’s souls. The couple would be endorsed by the adoption, and thus their hell-bound pattern of life would be endorsed, implying that we don’t care if they go to hell, which would be unloving. And the child would be taught that a damning behavior is normal and acceptable.

Oh, that good old terrifying clarity!  So the gays are going straight to hell for all eternity. But as for the straight boys - oh honey, just reach out and touch his handsome face, why don't you. And think of all the good times.  You'll get over it, like a good wife should.

Right. What a stinking sack of shit.  Which just goes to show, once again, that the Bible was written by straight men for straight men.  A lot of good stuff is in there - but also a lot of self-serving, self-justifying, self-excusing (remember who gave poor Adam the apple) patriarchal crap.

South Carolina Sends Adulterous Liar to Congress

Once again proving that the whole "family-values" bandwagon is just a stinking sack of shit that does not apply to straight boys and girls, the righteous, God-fearing voters of South Carolina have turned out by the thousands to vote for for former Governor and unrepentant adulterer Mark Sanford, giving him their seal of approval as their representative in Congress.

Which was only to be expected.  You may recall that while Governor, Sanford famously told reporters he was "hiking the Appalachian Trail" when in fact he was shuttling back and forth to Argentina at the taxpayers' expense to bang his Latina lover.  But I guess the fine, upstanding, oh-so-Christian people of the Hellhole Palmetto State figured, hey, boys will be boys.

Rachel reports on this hot mess of hypocrisy and prevarication:

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

 

 

Sanford says not to worry about him being all alone up there in his new job: "I'll have plenty of friends in Washington."   See also the Borowitz Report: "Mark Sanford's Comeback Gives Hope to Liars."

Marriage is a Contract

Texas marriage license and certificate, 1879; the couple was married by a justice of the peace, not a clergyman - which made it a legal marriage just as good as any celebrated in church.

I've blogged about this a time or two before, but since a couple of you fellas have touched on this point in some recent comments, seems a good time to put the legal definitions out there so everyone can make use of them as need be.

One big huge ginormous problem with the whole marriage debate is that our oh-so-holy religious kin, friends, and neighbors have got the idea so strong in their heads that marriage was invented by the Christian Church, and is thus The Will of God and eternally unchangeable - and moreover has always and everywhere been exactly the same thing it is right now, except of course for those nasty, perverted, pagan places like Spain, Canada, and Massachusetts.

Wrong.  Dead wrong.  Even your Bible shows you, knucklehead, that people were marrying long before Jesus ever walked the earth.  "Well, the Hebrews started it then, when God gave them the Ten Commandments."  Wrong - don't you ever go to Sunday School, you heathern?  Jesus himself said, "in the days that were before the Flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noah entered into the ark" (Matthew 24:38). Before the Flood. You ain't a-gonna argue with the Lord, are ya bubba?  Though there is some folks I've knowed who was just so bullheaded, they would argue with Jesus Christ hisself.


So then, going just strictly by the Bible, you see there was plenty of marrying going on away long before the time of Christ, long before the Ten Commandments, long before Moses or even Abraham.  Long before there was any notion whatsoever of a Christian Church, and long before there was any idee of a Hebrew religion, even.  You can check out Genesis for more references to marriage and husbands and wives, including ol' Noah hisself, who natcherly took his wife along in the boat with him - not to mention his sons and their wives.  You do remember that story, don'cha bud?

There was also marriage going on in every other place on the face of the earth too, whether God liked it or not - you remember who tempted Joseph, don't you?  That's right - the wife of Potiphar, an Egyptian woman.  So marriage wasn't something the Hebrews dreamed up all on their own. 

"Oh well it doesn't matter, because marriage has always been the same, and I want to keep it just like it was in the Bible."  Izzat right, friend?  Well now, how 'bout you consider the fact that Abraham, Jacob, Gideon, David, Solomon, and a lot more of them old boys had several wives, and concubines too - and nobody thought a thing in the world about it, including God himself, who actually encouraged that kind of thing with some of them. 

"Oh but Jesus changed all that." Well now if you're a-gonna start quoting Jesus, how about this saying from his own mouth: "Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her. And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery" (Mark 10). But say, bubba, that didn't stop you from trading in your old lady for that purty little blonde you got a-stirring your grits now, did it? And you ain't felt a minute's guilt about any o'that, have you bud? Still setting up there in the pews, front and center ever Sunday morning, pleased as punch with yourself, ain't ya?

So enough with "thuh Bye-bul says" routine; it's plain as day from your own scripture that marriage - of all kinds and stripes and shapes - was going on long before there was ever a Christian to be seen on the face of the earth, and also that you straight boys have done just exactly as you please with the rules of it, in every century and in every clime.  So just sit down and shut up about it now.  You might learn something.

Continued after the jump . . . .

Newsbites

• In a major reversal of attitude, General Colin Powell comes out for DADT repeal, saying "In the almost 17 years since the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ legislation was passed, attitudes and circumstances have changed.  I fully support the new approach presented to the Senate Armed Services Committee this week by Secretary of Defense Gates and Admiral Mullen."  As chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff under President Clinton, Powell opposed allowing gays to serve openly, and presided over the application of the DADT policy.

• Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-Ga.) says if gays are let loose in the military, it will "lead to alcohol use, adultery, fraternization, and body art. If we change this rule of 'Don't Ask, Dont Tell' what are we going to do with these other rules?"  Joe Jervis responds:  "[He's] worried that if DADT is repealed, soldiers will get drunk, visit whorehouses, and get tattoos. Unprecedented!"

• Peter Sprigg of the Family Research Council not only doesn't want the big, bad, drunken, tattooed, rapist gays in the military - he wants Lawrence v. Texas overturned, so homosex in civilian life can be recriminalized. 

• Rob Tisinai reacts:  "We see what their position is — and how can you compromise between full civil equality and being thrown in prison? What would that compromise even look like?"

• The ACLU and Lambda Legal are planning to sue the state of Hawaii over marriage equality, after the Hawaii House defeated a civil-unions bill last week by voice vote - the same bill they had already approved in two previous sessions, and which had passed the Hawaii Senate.

• Nine Republican senators have introduced a bill to block same-sex marriages in Washington, D. C., pending a voter referendum on the issue.

• Former Eagle Scout, Air Force Captain, and Congressman, and current Republican Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford, who came to national attention last summer while hiking the Appalachian Trail some Argentinian tail at taxpayer's expense, insisted on removing the fidelity clause from their marriage vows when he wed his wife Jenny in 1989, Mrs. Sanford has revealed in a Barbara Walters interview that will air this Friday.  They are the parents of four sons; Mrs. Sanford filed for divorce in December.  Governor Sanford has publicly opposed civil unions, same-sex marriage, and gay adoptions.  Of course.

• And finally, not only does it seem to this old dude totally astounding that the world has changed so much that a Cosmo centerfold can grow up to be a United States Senator; and likewise totally amazing that there has not been one single fucking word of objection to that fact on anyone's part, most specifically the oh-so-holy "family values" right; but it also seems totally pornographic to watch this blonde newswoman getting her panties soaking wet right on national television at the very thought of stroking some good, solid Republican cock, even the plastic kind:

Obviously, for the Republican gals, Brown has that same "starburst" effect that Palin has for the men.  And they all think that's so cute, so funny, so adorable, so Christian.  So "normal."  So "natural."  Oh, yes, all the good Republican heteros are so upright, so moral, so totally on God's side.

But me and my husband and the little dog, living a quiet, obscure life in a tiny town far out on the prairie, we were a "locus of evil" in the world. 

Fuck 'em all, is what I say, the filthy grandstanding hypocrite lying bastards.  And you can quote me on that, boys.

At Least She's Not F***ing Matt Damon

And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson
Jesus loves you more than you will know . . .

Same story, two quotes about it.

In a nutshell: Iris Robinson, "the Anita Bryant of the UK," Member of Parliament in Northern Ireland (part of the United Kingdom), whose husband also happens to be an MP and is in fact the First Minister of Northern Ireland (roughly sorta kinda like a state governor over here) - well, last year she was spouting about what abominations we are, how homosex is worse than child abuse and how God can change a homosexual, same as a murderer . . . you know the drill.

Come to find out, all the while the holier-than-you-faggots Ms. Robinson was spewing her venom against teh gayz, she was at the very same time committing ADULTERY with a 19-year-old, forty years her junior. AND taking a bribe of several thousand dollars from her boy toy in exchange for channeling government support to his restaurant venture.

Now you're ready for the quotes.

Sullivan expresses the universal truth of the matter:

Where there is Christianism, there is usually hypocrisy, corruption and abuse. From Haggard to Maciel, from the Vatican to the Swaggarts, from Rove to Limbaugh, the sheer gulf between their public moralism and their private failings is vast. That's because they're human; and they deserve compassion and understanding, the compassion and understanding they always, always deny to others. [emphasis mine - Russ.]

Joe.My.God. puts it in more earthy terms:

Things are as they always are. God's Gentle Elected People infest the national media to scream about perversion and abomination, all while screwing the taxpayer AND cougaring the fuck out of a young hottie.

Bonus: Joe says the 1968 Simon & Garfunkel hit, "Mrs. Robinson," is climbing up the charts anew in the UK. Gotta love it.

Update: Righteous Iris not only screwed the boy she'd known since he was 9, she also screwed his father.

Hollywood's got nothing to compare with this mess. You can't make this shit up.

P.S. - Cougaring? Little help, guys?

The Get-Out-of-Adultery-Free Card

Brit Hume's smug, sneering come-to-Jesus plea directed at Tiger Woods gets raked over the coals by Olbermann and a radical-sex-advice-columnist faggot.  Way to go, Dan.



So many things I could say here, boys, but I'll confine myself to just one:  ya notice how these straight white skirtchasing men have it all set up so's they can fuck around all they want, when and where they please, but still get to heaven in the end?

Right.  What a convenient religion, huh.  For them.

Of course, the Old Testament prescribes death for adulterers, the same as for homosexuals.  But oh of course the first one doesn't apply anymore, you know.  Only the second.  Right . . . .

Update:  Evan Hurst writes a brilliant resposte, complete with scripture quotes, at Truth Wins Out; an excerpt:

. . . if we look at the fruit borne by so many born-again Christian leaders on the subject of infidelity, what we find is that we’re in quite a smelly orchard. Now, the Evangelical Christian stock response tends to be, “Well, their conversions must not be real!” How utterly convenient. The point is that born-again Christians don’t have any better track records on such matters than any of the rest of the population. Barna Research Group (a very Evangelical-friendly source) studied divorce rates and found that, indeed, conservative Christians have a far higher divorce rate than liberal Christians, atheists and agnostics. . . .

So, the contention of the original piece, that the on-air proselytizing of Tiger Woods by Brit Hume toward Christianity is absurd, stands. The data is in, and it shows that, for situations like that of Tiger Woods, a change in religious affiliation wouldn’t be likely to have any appreciable effect on his skirt-chasing behavior. The only thing it might do is give him an air of superiority and a more sharpened ability to pretend he didn’t just bed that pretty lady he met last night.

More data from this survey and others on divorce among conservative Christians at ReligiousTolerance.org.

P.S. - I really don't give a rap what Tiger did or didn't do.  He's a man.  He screwed up.  Like many millions of others all down through the centuries, in every clime and country.  BFD.  Not a news story.  Let him and the missus sort it out, it's not worth my time and attention.

Adultery, Anyone?

The NFL and NBC turned it down at the national level, but this ad for the AshleyMadison web site - specifically targeted to married people seeking adulterous affairs - ran in Texas during the Superbowl on Sunday. The company says Texas is its fastest-growing market, and by Monday afternoon the site had received nearly 150,000 hits just from the Houston area alone, according to the Houston Chronicle.

Um, how does this preserve the traditional family? I thought it was teh gayz who were tearing it all up. No?

And isn't adultery one of the Big Ten? You see what that lifestyle leads to when people choose to live that way.

And we're not even gonna talk about the unmarried, unemployed octuplet woman.

(Honk to Joe.My.God.)