What We're Watching: Jim Butcher's Story, 1994

A poignant story of a young gay man coming out to his fundamentalist family in Dallas during the plague years.  We wept.

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Vito Russo's Our Time, Episode 4 - AIDS

This episode, which aired on WNYC-TV on March 3, 1983, focused on what was then the still-new epidemic of AIDS that was cutting a deadly swathe through the ranks of gay men. At this time, cases were still concentrated in big cities like New York and San Francisco, but the alarming news was filtering slowly into the hinterlands, where we were bewildered and afraid. As seen here, activists like Larry Kramer and Michael Callen were informing and organizing their brethren in the Big Apple - with the enormous help of our lesbian sisters, to whom we owe an enduring debt of gratitude - but between the coasts, rumor and confusion prevailed.

As you will see in the video, very little was known for sure about the HIV virus and how it was transmitted. Could you catch it by kissing someone? Hugging? Shaking hands? Breathing the same air? Sharing finger foods? Eating off the same plate, or drinking from the same glass? What about toilet seats? Not even the doctors were sure, and most doctors were themselves still uninformed of the latest research. News reports told of nurses and hospital staff refusing to touch or treat AIDS patients, who were sometimes flatly turned away from the hospital doors, or left to lie in hallways, unattended. Some funeral homes refused to accept the bodies of patients who died from the disease.

Politicians were starting to call for mass internment of people with HIV or AIDS, and your Head Trucker heard with his own ears the pontificating asshole and conservative pundit William F. Buckley calling for all men with HIV to be tattooed on their foreheads to warn the public to stay away from them.

All that seemed certain was that the virus was spreading among gay men, apparently like other sexually transmitted diseases. And yet, we read in the scanty, infrequent news reports, some men who had a "promiscuous lifestyle" seemed unaffected, while others who rarely had sexual partners were stricken. So what did that mean for us young gay men, newly out and relieved to be free from the soul-destroying closet of celibacy? Your Head Trucker remembers sitting in a gay rap group where this very topic was hotly discussed: some guys were ready to wall themselves away from all sexual contact, while others swore they would not change a thing they were doing until science had determined the exact cause - why go back to living like a lonely monk for no good reason?

And all this was before the concept of "safe sex," later cslled "safer sex," was really developed or publicized. The best advice the medical establishment could give in those early days, which most gay men in the provinces read in abbreviated news reports in gay porn magazines - even those were simply not available in most towns and cities or through the mail in most Southern states - was to "avoid exchanging bodily fluids" with other men. But what the hell did that mean, exactly? What is a "bodily fluid"? Blood? Cum? Piss? Spit? Sweat? Tears? For a long time, nobody bothered to clarify for us, and the national magazines and network news shows, when they did, at long intervals, mention the AIDS epidemic, were not about to descend into the gutter by specifying what was meant. Not even the word condom had ever yet been heard on American television.

Thus, many thousands of men died. It was a scary time to live through, a walk in the dark through a cemetery - no doubt unimaginable to the smartphone-toting, constantly linked-in younger generation. But important to remember.

World AIDS Day 2013

I posted this video a couple of years ago, but I like it so much, I'm posting it again. I can never forget when my first husband and I visited D.C. to see the Quilt displayed in 1992 - as soon as we arrived on the Mall and I saw all those acres of panels spread across the grass, I burst into tears, and wept off and on all afternoon. My best friend Tommy had died of the plague a couple of years before, and of course we knew others who were soon to die.

It seems to be a forgotten issue now, since there are the pills to control the virus - but I've known people who have to live with that pill routine, which means taking handfuls two or three times every day, and dealing with all the side effects too. It may keep you going, but it's not a great way to live.

Of course, that's if you can get the pills. Millions all around the world can't. So the fight goes on - do something if you can.

For Tommy and all the others--




Update, 12/2: President Obama today announced the launch of a $100 million initiative to find a cure for AIDS:

World Aids Day, 2012

A hopeful report from the Voice of America:

How to Survive a Plague

From filmmaker David France: now in theaters, maybe one in your town this week.

How to Survive a Plague

The AIDS quilt laid out on the Mall in D.C. in 1992.
Your Head Trucker was there, and will never forget
those three days of walking and weeping openly for
all the missing friends and lovers, known and unknown.

Coming to a theater near you in September. Synopsis from filmmaker and award-winning journalist David France:

HOW TO SURVIVE A PLAGUE is the story of the brave young men and women who successfully reversed the tide of an epidemic, demanded the attention of a fearful nation and stopped AIDS from becoming a death sentence. This improbable group of activists bucked oppression and, with no scientific training, infiltrated government agencies and the pharmaceutical industry, helping to identify promising new medication and treatments and move them through trials and into drugstores in record time. In the process, they saved their own lives and ended the darkest days of a veritable plague, while virtually emptying AIDS wards in American hospitals in the process. The powerful story of their fight is a classic tale of empowerment and activism that has since inspired movements for change in everything from breast cancer research to Occupy Wall Street. Their story stands as a powerful inspiration to future generations, a road map, and a call to arms. This is how you change the world.

Andrew Sullivan:

People forget that HIV decimated the immune system - but people actually died from the opportunistic infections. These "OI"s were something out of Dante's Hell. So many drowned to death from pneumocystis. Or they would develop hideous KS lesions, or extremely painful neuropathy (my "buddy" screamed once when I brushed a bedsheet against the tip of his toes), or CMV where a friend of mine had to inject himself in the eyeball to prevent going blind, or toxoplasmosis, a brain degenerative disease where people wake up one day to find they can't tie their shoe-laces, and their memories are falling apart. Within the gay community, 300,000 deaths amounted to a plague of medieval dimensions. Once you knew your T-cells were below a certain level, it was like being in a dark forest where, at any moment, some hideous viral or bacterial creature could emerge and kill you. And for fifteen years there was nothing to take that worked, just the agonizing helplessness of waiting to die, and watching others get assaulted by one terrifying disease after another.

In this immense catastrophe, you had an almost epic tale: no sooner had a critical mass of gay men actually come out, established themselves in urban ghettoes, and finally celebrated their humanity and sexuality than they were struck down in droves. But the next part of the story is the most amazing. We could so easily have given up in shame or self-hatred or exhaustion. But somehow, we found the internal resources to fight back. We knew that the federal government would refuse to react as they would have had this disease occurred anywhere but among homosexuals. And so we were almost a model of self-help, activism and empowerment. We had nothing to lose any more - and that unleashed a kind of gay power that is the most powerful reason, in my view, for why we have made so much progress so quickly since. . . .

You should go read the rest of his piece.

World Aids Day: All of My Memories

Thirty years since we knew the plague was among us. Twenty years since I lost my best friend Tommy to it. This is for him and all the others I knew, or never knew . . .

In Memoriam: Betty Ford

Mrs. Ford poses barefoot on the Cabinet Room table, two days before her husband was succeeded by Jimmy Carter.  As a young woman, she was a dancer with the Martha Graham company in New York City for a time.

The former First Lady's funeral today in California was marked by eulogies from other First Ladies. PBS this evening has a fine summary of her life and accomplishments:



I remember the uproar - not nearly as bad as it would be today - over her "outspoken" positions.  Practically unimaginable now for a Republican wife - but the parties weren't so drop-dead polarized then, and the Religious Right hadn't yet turned politics into a holy war.

In fact, even though my family was mostly Democratic, and I always just thought the Dems looked and sounded nicer than the Republicans, I was grown and had a full beard before I could ever see a real policy difference between the two parties - somehow all the talking and campaigning just merged together in my mind, and I'm not the only one who felt that way. We were raised in that day and time to believe that all politicians were of course good public servants, honest and patriotic and devoted to the country's best interests - with liberty and justice for all, yada yada yada.

Of course, I found out different later. Bless Mrs. Ford for having the courage to say what she actually thought, the party line be damned.

And then there's this from David Mixner, from a time long after the Fords had left the White House:

Marylouise Oates, who was a society columnist for The Los Angeles Times was a longtime supporter of LGBT full equality and devoted to taking care of those with AIDS. She contacted her friend heiress Wallis Annenberg to see if she would be willing to CoChair the 1985 Commitment to Life Dinner knowing it would open new doors for the cause. Wallis, after some reflection, agreed to join the effort. The two of them thought that the perfect CoChair for Wallis would be First Lady Betty Ford. However, she was well known for refusing to do events except for her clinic. Nevertheless, Wallis agreed to call her Palm Springs friend.

Without hesitation, First Lady Betty Ford not only agreed to CoChair the dinner but also said she would be present for the evening. In 1985 to have someone of Betty Ford's caliber come to the AIDS Project Los Angeles Dinner was astounding. Most prominent political people wouldn't touch the issue and many wouldn't even touch people with HIV/AIDS. Her decision to join us in the battle against the epidemic was courageous, ground breaking and historic.

Because of her involvement, the event took on a new life. For the first time in AIDS Project Los Angeles history they raised over a million dollars in one night. Those in the room will never forget when First Lady Betty Ford rose that evening to the podium. The ovation and tears of gratitude seemed to last forever. As she stood that night among us, she gave us a dignity and respectability like no other person before her. Overwhelmed with the response, she proceeded with a moving and humble speech that made us love her even more.

For all the accolades that the former First Lady richly deserves, I will never forget that she stood up against HIV/AIDS and helped us turn the corner. Thank you, Mrs. Ford.

And I am happy to report that the raving nasties from Westboro Baptist did not show up as they had promised to today. Normally your Head Trucker is all in favor of free speech, etc.; but the Supreme Court was very wrong to give these despicable haters free rein. There is a time and a place for everything; but a funeral is not a time for anybody's demonstration, ever.

Angels in America

Judith and Samuel Peabody

. . . is the title of today's must-read Frank Rich column in the NYT.  Which is remarkable for two things:  first, his recounting of the story of Judith Peabody, socialite and early champion of the AIDS crisis, who died last week.  Read more about her wonderful life in the NYT's obituary article.  Thanks so much, Judith - I'm sure there's many stars in your crown.

The Rich article also has some very pertinent remarks on the Perry case and Judge Walker that you ought to check out.  Excerpt:

There has already been an attempt to discredit Walker, who has never publicly discussed his sexual orientation but has been widely reported to be gay. The notion that a judge’s sexuality, gay or not, might disqualify him from ruling on marriage is as absurd as saying Clarence Thomas can’t rule on cases involving African-Americans. By this standard, the only qualified judge to rule on marital rights would be a eunuch. No less ridiculous has been the attempt to dismiss Walker as a liberal “activist judge.” Walker was another Reagan nominee to the federal bench, recommended by his attorney general, Edwin Meese (an opponent of same-sex marriage and, now, of Walker), in a December 1987 memo residing at the Reagan library. It took nearly two years and a renomination by the first President George Bush for Walker to gain Senate approval over opposition from Teddy Kennedy, the N.A.A.C.P., La Raza, the National Organization for Women and the many gay groups who deemed his record in private practice too conservative.

The attacks on Walker have fizzled fast. With rare exceptions from the hysterical fringe — Michele Bachmann, Newt Gingrich — most political leaders have either remained silent about the Prop 8 decision (the Republican National Committee) or punted (the Obama White House). Over at Fox News, Ted Olson silenced the states’-rights argument in favor of Prop 8 last weekend by asking Chris Wallace: “Would you like Fox’s right to a free press put up to a vote and say, well, if five states have approved it, let’s wait till the other 45 states do?” (No answer was forthcoming.)

Most of those who do argue for denying marriage equality to gay couples are now careful to say that they really, really like gay people. This, like the states’-rights argument, is a replay of the battle over black civil rights. Eric Foner, the pre-eminent historian of Reconstruction, recalled last week via e-mail how Strom Thurmond would argue in the early 1960s “that segregation benefited blacks and whites and had nothing to do with racism” — as if inequality were O.K. as long as segregationists pushing separate-but-equal “compromises” claimed their motives were pure.

What I Say:  The other day a famous gay blogger slimed a less-famous but well-respected conservative gay journalist as a "quisling" - for the mere reason that Maggie Gallagher's National Organization for Marriage used a quote from the latter as part of a statement against same-sex marriage; in the excerpt they quoted he was favoring civil unions as a more winnable achievement.

Which ignores the fact that this writer has written numerous articles, and an entire book for that matter, arguing the case for gay marriage.  And in fact did marry his partner earlier this year in D. C.  So, far from being a traitor to our cause, he is indeed working on the same team - with us, not against us.  Having read his blog articles many times in the past, I believe this conservative blogger is making the case for achieving a solid, permanent goal of equal marriage rather than a Pyrrhic victory that will remain questioned and unsettled in the public mind for years to come, like Roe v. Wade.

Which is a legitimate concern, and a worthy subject for discussion and debate; and while your Head Trucker wants to see equal marriage the law of the land in this country as quick as we can get it, I also admire greatly anyone who can make a clear, cogent case for something in impeccable English, based on logical reasoning and a command of all the relevant facts.  It's important to consider carefully who is and who is not the enemy.  As Frank Rich makes clear in his column, Walker's nomination was fiercely opposed by gay groups at the time - but supposing they had succeeded in blocking his appointment to the bench?  Where would we be today with the Perry case, under some other judge, eh?

Of course, even reasonable people with a fine command of facts, logic, and language can still disagree on ways and means to a worthwhile goal - and what seems best at one moment in history may be found later to have been an honestly mistaken view; that's the whole idea subsumed in the concept of freedom of speech, which is the very bedrock of our frame of government and democratic society:  the lifeblood of our body politic.  Disagree if you like with someone's conclusions, but disagree with respect for the other guy's character, if not his point of view.

If you are going to claim American values, it's important to live them yourself.  Otherwise, you are morally on the same level with the enemies of individual liberty.  You want freedom for yourself, you must want it for others as well - or you are simply being a self-centered hypocrite. Acting the part of a nasty brat.

Which is what your mama and daddy were trying to get across to you when they made you share your cookies with the other kids, and not wolf down the whole box all by yourself, ya know?

The Courage of Her Convictions

You should go read Joe's post about Zelda Rubinstein, who just died at age 76:



I never lived in Los Angeles, but I remember seeing those ads; probably in the Advocate or some other, more pictorial (ahem!) magazines back then.

Never knew anything about Zelda, but what a sweetheart she was.  And even though her career took a big hit, totally unafraid to do the right thing.  Bless her, and God rest her soul.

Which does remind me of my own mother's character:  and perhaps she instilled in me some of that moral courage, which is much more rare than the physical kind.  And therefore more worthy of our praise.

World AIDS Day

For Tommy - and all the others.

Over a million Americans are estimated to be living with HIV. Worldwide an estimated 33 million people are living with HIV.

If you don't have it, don't get it.  Yes, you can live with it now for many long years; but I've watched what other people have to go through, even with the most modern drugs, and it's a hell of a routine, boys.  It's not like eating sugar candy; those drugs are powerful, and have all kinds of unhappy side effects.  It's not fun, guys.  God bless all those who do have to put up with it.

Gay Men's Health Crisis and Project Inform have a lot of good information on all aspects of HIV and AIDS, check 'em out.

And one more tip:  If you live in some little redneck town and you aren't comfortable talking to your doctor about stuff like this, Home Access offers the only FDA-approved home testing kits for HIV and Hep C.

World Aids Day: Do Something

For Tommy, Bobby, and all the many others.

You have one life. Do something.