Long-Term Couple: Elliott and Clark's Story

Two Alabama boys from my generation found each other in college back in the early 70's and have managed to survive and thrive together for the last 53 years, ending up as wealthy property developers in Northwest Florida.  A lovely story.

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Growing Old as Gay Men

Is it okay to be gay and over 30?  A 2008 documentary explores gay attitudes to aging, featuring several notable gay writers and activists.  I may add my own thoughts later.

Warning:  contains some NSFW language.

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Old Gays Look Back

Apparently, the Old Gays were pretty famous on social media a few years back, but your Head Trucker was out of the loop - typical - and just came across some of their vids last week.  The first one below was made in January 2019 and has had over 9 million (!) views on YouTube.  Here are a few of their videos; I can relate to much of what they say.

Bonus:  The group appeared on the Today program in November 2023, plugging their new book:

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Growing Up Gay: Ken from Kentucky

"An Endless Tune":  from Kentucky to Florida to Hollywood and beyond.

Bonus:  Jane Pauley interviews Jeanne and Jules Manford, founders of PFLAG, on the Today show, July 6, 1978:

This was about the time I came out to my own mom, while I was in college.  Mama was great, she was immediately supportive, but it took her a while to process it all.  I brought her to a meeting of the gay rap group at school, where a lady who had started a chapter of PFLAG gave a talk, and that helped my mom a lot.  

Times were changing, but in 1978 it was still quite a scary thing to come out to anyone.  There were as yet no openly gay celebrities on TV or in public life, certainly not in the Deep South.  Only Anita Bryant running her mouth about the "homosexual threat" . . .

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"I Thought I Was the Only One"

Some moving oral histories from the Los Angeles LGBT Center, 2013 - I only wish they were longer:

Rush to Judgment in Sonoma County

Joe.My.God. and other blogs are now reporting new details on that Sonoma County case of two elderly gay men allegedly victimized by the county and nursing homes.  According to the Sheriff's Department and news reports, domestic violence is part of the story too, and the county acted appropriately to protect the two men, and at their request.  From the local Press-Democrat:

Spaulding said the allegations of abuse is the real case. Greene, he said, attacked Scull and the county stepped in to protect the elder man at his own request. In court documents, Spaulding said Scull was admitted to Kaiser Hospital in Santa Rosa on April 27, 2008 as a result of domestic violence-related injuries inflicted by Greene. The case was reported to the Sheriff’s Office, adult protective services and the county’s public guardian, who all conducted investigations, he said. Scull allegedly told officials he no longer wished to live with Greene, so he was placed in a nursing home. Greene was later deemed incapable of caring for himself and was sent to a different facility, Spaulding said. The men were given a chance to remove possessions from their rented Sebastopol house, he said. What was left was sold at auction to cover their expenses, Spaulding said.

Which just goes to show how important it is for you and for me not to make snap judgments based on only one side of the story.  And there are two sides to every story in the world.

We pride ourselves on the fact that our government, our way of life, is based on the rule of law, and that everyone is presumed innocent until proven guilty, with the facts established in open court.  We all need to keep that rule in our hearts and minds, too.

Just because you want to believe something is true doesn't make it so.  That's in fact the very definition of prejudice, right?  And it works both ways.

More Details on Gay Couple Victimized by California County

Available at the NCLR blog here.  Sounds to me like a case of greedy county officials wanting to liquidate all the couple's assets in a hurry to pay for the nursing home bill.  Read it and see what you think.  Emphasis mine:

“In the 33 years of our organization’s history, this case is perhaps among the most tragic NCLR has ever been involved in,” said NCLR Executive Director Kate Kendell. “Clay and Harold had taken all of the necessary precautions, including living wills and powers of attorneys, to protect them in a time of crisis. Not only were their relationship and legal documents ignored, Clay and Harold literally lost everything. These appalling events demonstrate how urgently same-sex couples need full equality rather than a patchwork of rights that can be dismissed and ignored in a culture that still treats LGBT people as second-class citizens. This never should have happened to Clay and Harold.”

The couple lived in Sebastopol, Sonoma County, California, about fifty miles north of San Francisco.  Ironically, according to Wikipedia, "the county's tolerant political environment have made the Guerneville area along the Russian River the home of a number of gay and lesbian resorts, which have catered to the San Francisco LGBT weekend-getaway community since the 1970s."

If you really want to read something that will make your blood boil, check out the pdf of the actual court petition filed by Clay and his attorney here (honk to Heretic Tom for the link).

In particular, note the repeated, public homophobic insults and intimidation of Clay by county and nursing home employees - "you know how those gay boys are," etc. - detailed on pp. 12-16.  And then notice on page 51 how, after they had utterly cleaned out the couple's house, and even taken all of Clay's clothes and shoes and underwear away, they left him sitting there alone without even a bed for several days until they came and locked him up in a home for dementia patients.

And when they took his two cats away by the neck and threw them in a truck, somebody shoved Clay to the ground when he tried to protest.  Nobody now knows what became of the cats.

I agree with Andrew Sullivan and Dan Savage, among other bloggers who are writing about this:  this needs to be protested more than Constance McMillen's prom, far and wide and loud.

A word to the wise:  Take a tip from your Head Trucker, guys.  If you live with a partner, and you intend it to be permanent - be sure both your names are on the deed, the mortgage, the lease, or the rental agreement.  You have been warned.

And if your partner isn't willing to do that, well - the two of you need to have a serious heart-to-heart talk about what your true intentions really are.

Actions speak louder than words.  It's very, very easy to say "I love you," anybody can do that. 

But how many can show it?   There is a difference.

Why You Should Care about Equal Marriage

Quite often when I'm reading news stories about the struggle for marriage equality, I notice reader comments - over and over again - to the effect that, "Oh well, the government should just get out of the marriage business entirely, the government shouldn't tell you who you can love," etc.

Which is such a juvenile, brainless, totally non-comprehending attitude.  It makes me want to slap somebody.  Hard.

So for all the party boys and dickheads out there who still have not got a fucking clue, I'm going to say it again:  Marriage is not about "who you can love."  Nobody gives a crap who you love, butthead.

Marriage is all about making other people leave you the hell alone, and keep their goddamn hands off you and your money and your property. 

Can you hear it any plainer than that?

Marriage, at the bottom line, is not about love and romance and crepe-paper hearts and sentimental songs.  That's a wedding.  Try to get it straight in your mind, goober.

Marriage is a safety zone for two people protected by the full force of the law.  It makes the two of you a family; which love alone absolutely does not.  It makes, forces, all the rest of the world to respect that bond between you, and that boundary around you.  Which they will.not.do. unless the law compels them.

And that means you get to keep your car, your house, your bank account, your furniture, your belongings, your pictures, and your privacy and your dignity.  You, the two of you, get to decide what happens when life takes a turn for the worse, and not your greedy-ass relatives - stop and think about it, bud - and not some we-know-what's-best-for-you stranger.

Case in point, via Joe.My.God. from the National Center for Lesbian Rights, a legal rights group now taking this case to court:

Clay and his partner of 20 years, Harold, lived in California. Clay and Harold made diligent efforts to protect their legal rights, and had their legal paperwork in place—wills, powers of attorney, and medical directives, all naming each other. Harold was 88 years old and in frail medical condition, but still living at home with Clay, 77, who was in good health.

One evening, Harold fell down the front steps of their home and was taken to the hospital. Based on their medical directives alone, Clay should have been consulted in Harold’s care from the first moment. Tragically, county and health care workers instead refused to allow Clay to see Harold in the hospital. The county then ultimately went one step further by isolating the couple from each other, placing the men in separate nursing homes.

Ignoring Clay’s significant role in Harold’s life, the county continued to treat Harold like he had no family and went to court seeking the power to make financial decisions on his behalf. Outrageously, the county represented to the judge that Clay was merely Harold’s “roommate.” The court denied their efforts, but did grant the county limited access to one of Harold’s bank accounts to pay for his care.

What happened next is even more chilling: without authority, without determining the value of Clay and Harold’s possessions accumulated over the course of their 20 years together or making any effort to determine which items belonged to whom, the county took everything Harold and Clay owned and auctioned off all of their belongings. Adding further insult to grave injury, the county removed Clay from his home and confined him to a nursing home against his will. The county workers then terminated Clay and Harold's lease and surrendered the home they had shared for many years to the landlord.

Three months after he was hospitalized, Harold died in the nursing home. Because of the county’s actions, Clay missed the final months he should have had with his partner of 20 years. Compounding this tragedy, Clay has literally nothing left of the home he had shared with Harold or the life he was living up until the day that Harold fell, because he has been unable to recover any of his property. The only memento Clay has is a photo album that Harold painstakingly put together for Clay during the last three months of his life.

With the help of a dedicated and persistent court-appointed attorney, Anne Dennis of Santa Rosa, Clay was finally released from the nursing home. Ms. Dennis, along with Stephen O'Neill and Margaret Flynn of Tarkington, O'Neill, Barrack & Chong, now represent Clay in a lawsuit against the county, the auction company, and the nursing home, with technical assistance from NCLR. A trial date has been set for July 16, 2010 in the Superior Court for the County of Sonoma.

Are you getting this picture?  Notice that these guys had all the legal paperwork like wills and medical directives already done - and still they were trashed, spit on, walked over, and shoved aside.

Because they were not married.  Just that one little word is worth more than all the paperwork in the world.  Just say that one word, and everybody backs off, stops, calls off the dogs, and shuts the fuck up.

Don't think it can't happen to you, pretty little thing.  You won't always be young and beautiful and the center of an adoring crowd.  One day you too will be old and gray, and utterly invisible to all the cool young sexy studs.  One day you too will want a little circle of peace and security in which you can live out your life with someone who truly cares about you and not your wardrobe.  And that day is coming at you a helluva lot sooner than you think, buster - long before you need a walker or a wheelchair.

So wise up and give a damn.  Marriage is not about declaring your love, it's about protecting it - and protecting yourself and protecting the person you chose to share your life with.  Trust me on this, guys.  I could tell you stories.