The Pork Boys Do Christmas, 2012

So with serendipitous planning, as it turned out, I managed to get to my best bud M.P.'s place the night before the winter storm hit this part of Texas, and the roads became impassable. But it made for a lovely Christmas-y setting outdoors, while in the light and warmth of his prettily decorated house we made merry with all sorts of tasty snacks and delicious dishes. This was only the second white Christmas your Head Trucker has ever seen, so that was doubly nice.

A scene in downtown Dallas on Christmas Day

We trimmed the tree on Christmas Eve in between stops at the buffet table, loading ourselves with bites of roasted Cornish hens, ham roll-ups, potato chips and garlic dip, homemade sausage balls and red sauce, Ritz crackers, two kinds of olives, and sliced Cheddar. And listen my children, we discovered something much too good to be shared with grinches and scrooges: you want something that will make all your bells go jingle-jangle, get yourself some of the fabulous new Captain Morgan's BLACK spiced rum and add it to your eggnog. Trust the old man here, you won't regret it. I tell you what.

But hide the car keys before you go sailing with the Captain, because your Christmas will definitely be merry and bright before you finish the first cup.  Other old-timers like me will understand:  it's 95 proof - yet sweet as your first kiss, all tender and vanilla.  Smells good enough to use for after-shave, too.

The best nog for your egg, ev-er.

Is it any wonder, then, that when we finally sat down to Christmas dinner hours later - we planned it for late on the day before because he had to work on Xmas Day - we couldn't finish our plates because we were already too full? But your Head Trucker can report that M.P.'s very tender ham, which he cured and smoked himself, was a delight, covered in fresh pineapple rings and maraschino cherries, just like our mamas used to do. We would have studded it with whole cloves, but alas the only jar of them we could find at the store was $9, which was way too much for country boys to pay, so we did without.

Owing to technical difficulties that two half-drunk old men couldn't surmount,
this is merely an artist's representation of our tender, juicy entree.
Eat your heart out, boys.

And of course there were plenty of good side dishes to complement the ham, like polenta with collard greens, puff pastry with cheese filling, and one I found on the Internet and we improved upon together, which I will share with my truckbuddies:

For the reasons aforementioned, this is an artist's representation
of our cornbread salad - which really would be a great summer dish,
but as you see is festive enough to serve at Christmas too.

The Pork Boys’ Cornbread Salad

Christmas 2012

* 1 pan cornbread (= 1 box of Jiffy mix, prepared according to directions on the box. Tip: let mixture stand 5 minutes before putting it in the oven – makes your cornbread thicker. Let cornbread cool completely before cutting or crumbling into 1-inch chunks.)
* 1 large Vidalia onion, diced
* 1 large bell pepper, diced
* 1 large tomato, quartered, drained, and sliced
* 1 can whole kernel corn, drained
* 1 can Ranch beans, drained
* 1 pound bacon, fried, drained, and crumbled (no, that's not too much bacon, so STFU.)
* 2 cups grated sharp Cheddar
* 1 cup mayonnaise (Hellman's, of course - you have to ask?  Accept no substitutes.)
* 1 cup sour cream
* 1 packet of Ranch dressing mix

Stir the mayo and sour cream together; add the packet of ranch dressing mix, and stir the goo all together till white and creamy. Add a tablespoon of bacon grease and stir some more till all is mixed thoroughly and is slightly runny.

Dump the bacon, beans, onions, corn, and bell peppers in the goo - you will think you have way too much goo, but you don't. 

Add the crumbled cornbread and toss gently so the goo covers everything.  This is highly important, and the key to deliciousness.  Notice that in the picture above, the goo is spread on top but does not penetrate to every part of the salad.  Don't do that - be sure to get every little tidbit nice and gooey.

Pour it all into a large bowl, cover the top with grated cheddar and sliced tomatoes, and chill at least two hours or overnight. Serves 8, maybe 10 if you hide the cutlery, but believe me, you’ll want to keep it all to yourself. And even eat it for breakfast the next day. We did.  For three days running.

Of course, there are a million variations of this on the intertubes, and you could add or subtract any ingredients you wanted. But this here's a real crowd-pleaser, boys. I tell you what.

PS - you fellas living up in the frozen Nawth or in other furrin parts where you can't get no Jiffy mix, and nobody's ever even heard of Ranch beans - I feel for you, buddies, I really do.  I reckon you'll just have to spread your goo over whatever you can get your hands on.