Talking Turkey

M.P.'s favorite meal is Thanksgiving dinner, so turkey cookery is taken very seriously at our house.  He has his own particular methods and secret ingredients, developed over many years, that I can't possibly share with you all.  But as a public service, here are some tips and tricks from leading authorities to make your turkey day a success. 

Butterball is, of course, the go-to source for all turkey info:

 

If all else fails, call or text the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line at 1-800-BUTTERBALL.

But before you cook, you must thaw that bird. Which means, start today! Here's how:

 

For more turkey safety tips, check out the USDA guidelines here. 

And if you need in-depth, step-by-step directions on all aspects from start to finish, see the Betty Crocker website here. 

Bon appetit, y'all.

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The Pork Boys Do Thanksgiving 2017

Click to enlarge.

We had a lovely feast last week, beginning with an 18-pound turkey that M. P. found on sale for only six dollars or so; two new supermarkets have opened near us in recent months, and isn't competition a wonderful thing?  When it works in your favor, that is.  At any rate, turkey and dressing is M. P.'s favorite dish, so he set to with a will, and when he was done very late that night, our menu included the following:

Hors d'oeuvres

Ham roll-ups
Beef roll-ups
Swiss cheese bits
Extra-sharp cheddar cheese bits
Deviled eggs
Green olives
Black olives
Boudin balls, breaded and deep-fried (a Cajun delicacy; M. P. had made the boudin from scratch the week before)

Appetizer

Velouté de brocolis with Velveeta cubes in lieu of croutons

Main Course

Roast turkey stuffed with sausage dressing
Cranberry sauce
Mashed potatoes
Giblet gravy
Maque choux (a Cajun corn casserole, like M. P.'s mama used to make)
Cornbread salad
Green bean casserole*
Sweet potato souffle*
Cranberry sauce
Homemade biscuits and butter

Wine

White Zinfandel (Winking Owl, California, 2017)

Dessert

Pumpkin pie
Pecan pie
Crockpot caramel cake with whipped cream and caramel sauce
Maple-bacon cookies
Coffee

* - Your Head Trucker made the starred dishes, both of which are much too simple to qualify as haute cuisine.  But M. P. ate them up just the same.

As a matter of fact, we had so much on our plates, we forgot about the biscuits until all was said, done, and eaten!  But of course we have enjoyed them since, along with a truckload of very tasty leftovers.  (Confidentially, fellas, after eating turkey for seven days in a row, I am now getting just a wee bit tired of it.  But shhh - don't tell M. P.!  I think a little talafia meuniere would be a nice change of pace, and that's another dish that requires no culinary talent to slap out.)

And so the Pork Boys feasted well and long again.  But just so you understand - these occasional feasts, along with our simpler Sunday dinners, are about the only recreation two gray and grizzled retirees can afford anymore - we never eat out, and only once or twice a year can we scrape our nickels and dimes together for a little KFC.  Other times, M. P. conjures up a homemade pizza instead of calling Domino's, and he says my cheeseburger pie - a trifling dish - rivals the taste of a good Whataburger.  So please don't begrudge us a little festivity in the kitchen now and then - when youthful charms and money have flown, food is one of the very last comforts - and one of the best. For all of which, we are truly grateful

Alas, I am too old and slow to chronicle all the kitchen doings in pictures these days, but here are a few snaps that show off M. P.'s artistry - he really loves to set a nice table and make things pretty.  I hope all my truckbuddies had a fabulous turkey day too.

Yes We Cran

For a few chuckles and groans, here's President Obama pardoning the National Turkey (note to overseas readers:  that is not Donald Trump, not yet) for the last time:




Here's wishing peace, good cheer, and a very Happy Thanksgiving with all the trimmings to my truckbuddies.

Turkey Tips

This comes too late for Thanksgiving, but in case any of you kitchen queens are planning on doing a big bird for Christmas . . .

For at least the past 15 years, your Head Trucker has been hearing about the delights of deep-fried turkey; alas, I've never been in the right place at the right time to get any, so I can't tell you if the reports are true or not.

However, this cautionary video from Underwriters Laboratories gives me pause:



Yikes! Pretty scary stuff that I'd never thought about before. However, the following video gives some good tips and directions, if any of you macho men in the audience want to give it a try sometime.



Too much trouble, is what your Head Trucker thinks, when it's so much simpler to just throw a bird in the oven without worrying about calling the fire department.

And here's the queen of Southern cooking, Paula Deen, who shows you what to do with the latest triumph of American ingenuity: an indoor turkey frier:



If this tired old queen was into cooking, that would be the route to go, I think. God, all that turkey meat makes me so damn hungry!

The ex-roommate is doing a big Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings for his four adult kids and their spouses/partners today. He's going to do a smaller version with a roasting hen and have me over next week sometime. I'll post pictures if I can.

The only time I get home-cooked food anymore is when I eat with him. It's just too depressing and too wasteful to try cooking for one here . . . believe me, I've tried. Much easier and cheaper to buy the microwave dinners, or make a sandwich.

Oh Noz: The Stealth Muslim Turkey Terrorist Threat!

When you're gathered around the Thanksgiving table today, don't tell Aunt Martha . . . but that nice juicy Butterball turkey that she spent hours roasting to a golden brown is a secret Muslim.  Rightwing nutjob and asshole king Bryan Fischer shouts out the warning to all freedom-loving Americans about the weird top-secret Muslim recipe that has put a hoodoo on all our plump and tender American turkeys:



And I'm like, WTF? How is halal any different from kosher? And why should I care? It only makes a difference to people whose religion has dietary requirements, which mine doesn't. Of course, by dinnertime today, half of America will be torn between throwing up that succulent turkey meat, while the other half will be laughing their butts off at the total redneck assininity of this non-crisis.

Actually, go ahead and tell Aunt Martha and all the rest of your damn family, stir some shit up. It'll be fun.

Just watch what happens when cousin Billy Bob tries to throw Aunt Martha's labor of love into the garbage can. At least when the fight breaks out, you won't get stuck having to watch some stupid-ass football game all afternoon. Grin.


Photo: TPMMuckraker.

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