Am I Gay?

A guest post by my British truckbuddy Tim, now resident in Spain, in honor of National Coming Out Day:


Having asked Piers Nivans to move in with him, Chris Redfield begins to have doubts - about himself.

You don’t see too much discussion in the Nivanfield fandom actually between Chris and Piers on their sexuality. This tale is my take on the subject, laced with some personal experiences; because, like so many writers, there is more than a little of myself written into the principal characters.

As ever, your comments are most welcome.

Am I Gay?

Love Wins - My thanks to flashconan at deviantart, most appropriate!

Chris suddenly looked up from the magazine he was reading.  "Piers, am I gay?"

"Well, you're not always light-hearted, and er, you're certainly not carefree babe." 

Piers knew that wasn't what Chris meant; but it bought him some time whilst he came out of the book he'd been lost in, and focussed on Chris' question instead.  It was December 2013, nearly Christmas.  They'd only been living together in Chris' old house for a month or so, but already Piers had come to expect occasional questions like this from Chris.  Questions that seemingly came out of the blue, regardless of any current conversation or activity.  They often took Piers by surprise, but he always tried to answer them earnestly if he could.  His Captain, now his partner and lover, was not overly talkative.  Taciturn was a better description.  Piers had found Chris's private life mirrored his military image.  He was a man of action rather than words, and the few words he did use would sometimes shatter the silence like the sound of a bullet leaving a gun.

"What?  Carefree?  No, you know what I mean.  Am I, um, am I . . ?"

"Homosexual?"  Piers used the word that his Captain still somehow found difficult to articulate.  As if by saying it, some unspoken taboo would be transgressed and broken.

"Well, you invited your same-sex Lieutenant to share your house and your bed, not to mention your job and your life.  Yeah, I'd say you were gay.  Why?  Aren't you sure?"


Continued after the jump . . .

Chris didn't reply.  Instead he rubbed the back of his thick neck, along the line where the unruly brown hair was shaved close to the skin.  His faced flushed a little.  Piers looked at him and smiled encouragingly.  Chris looked so cute when he was uncomfortable like this, like a naughty little boy who's just been found out.  Piers also knew that whatever had bought the question on in the first place had probably been forming and brewing in Chris's mind for hours, possibly days.  And it was Piers' self-appointed job to keep his Captain happy and content, whatever the issue.  This one sounded as if it might concern them both.

The thing was Chris wasn't sure.  He was sure of wanting Piers, he'd been all for them living together.  Even Piers was surprised at the speed Chris had moved.  "Yes?  Right then, let's do it.  Now!"  And then they'd been busy, getting the 'cave' in order.  But now, when they had some time to relax, the enormity of what they'd done hit Chris hard.  True to his image, he hadn't thought through the consequences of his actions.  He didn't regret it for a moment, not one bit.  But he began to realise he had no idea about living with someone else, especially another man.  How did he stop being selfish and learn how to share?  And the sex!  Following a disastrous start, he now took his cues from Piers on that front.  However, it had all become a bit overwhelming.  And then, even more worrying, he realised he was now labelled gay.  What the hell did that mean?  What did it entail?  He couldn't even bring himself to say the 'H' word.  There was only one person who could help him, and he sat next to him, his hazel eyes bright with wry amusement, his head cocked ever so slightly to one side and the full lips turned up into a smile.

"Wanna talk, Babe?" said Piers, slipping the book marker between the pages and putting the book down quietly on the coffee table.  "What's up?"

"Well, I've heard people talking, on base, at HQ, rumours, gossip . . . um, you know the sort of thing?" 

Piers nodded in agreement.  Military personnel the world over loved nothing more than a good rumour.  Often because they were kept in the dark about the truth so much.  'Rumour Control' was the mythical centre for the fabrication and dissemination of such tittle-tattle.  Every branch of the services had one.  Normally centred amongst the enlisted ranks, since they were the ones most often kept in the dark by their officers.  Usually it was a relatively harmless activity.  A healthy way to vent frustration or relieve the boredom.  But it could turn destructive if it got out of hand.

"Nasty things?"  Piers asked, hoping that that wouldn't be the case.  He knew better than to ask for names.  That was a sure-fire way of turning things nasty.

"Hmm, not really.  Well, nothing to my face.  Ha!"  Chris smacked a closed fist into an open palm, not many would be prepared to challenge the BSAA's senior Captain head-on.  "But . . . Oh, I don't know, just stuff about being, er, being hom . . . gay.  I mean, I don't even know what to think myself.  I don't feel gay, I never have, you know?  But I don't really know what being gay is, apart from . . . well apart from . . . um . . ."

"The sex?"

"Ouch!  You never do miss a target do you Ace?"  Chris looked embarrassed again.

Piers laughed gently.  "Well, you know babe, there's more to being gay than just the sex."

"Oh, er, yes, but what?  I mean, what exactly is being gay?  I was hoping you would know."

"So I'm gay, but you're not.  Is that what you're saying?" 

Piers knew it wasn't what Chris meant at all, but he could never resist a flippant answer.  It was a defensive reaction, something that automatically deflected attention away from himself.  A technique he'd mastered in his time in the army, when his own sexuality had to remain hidden.  Piers tried hard not to do it with Chris, he always took Piers' answers at face value.  But it was hard to break a habit that had been acquired and practiced over all his adult life.

"Well, yes, I mean, no of course not, oh shit!"

Piers rolled his eyes, but couldn't hide the twinkle in them. 

"Choose your next words . . . very . . . carefully!"  He said it in the clipped, and chillingly quiet voice he normally reserved for berating a rookie soldier.

"Um . . . Er . . . Ah, yes . . . oh, no!  Help!"  Chris was flustered.  His right hand automatically went up behind his head and scratched his left ear.  "Please?"

Piers realised that Chris was both confused and embarrassed.  His Captain was outstanding when the issues set before him were black and white.  But the grey areas, well they were sometimes a little trickier to deal with.  He was used to making command decisions, and expected a respectful obedience in response.  Had he been in a steady, long-term relationship beforehand, he would have been used to the 'serve and return' of normal conversation and discussion.  The 'ebb and flow' of agreement and disagreement.  It had taken him quite a while to understand and accept Piers' questioning style of being his right-hand on Alpha.  Homelife with his Lieutenant had brought a truck load of new social skills and behavioural responses to contend with and master.  It was still early days.  Piers' usual response was to break any issues down into smaller, manageable chunks.  And then to apply his sniper-honed logical way of thinking to the problem before him, and Chris.

"It's OK, of course I'll help.  So, for starters, who are we talking about here.  You or me?"

"Me, er, mainly, though it concerns you, because you're my role model in all this, so me . . . and you."

"Riiight," Piers said slowly, ". . . so it's mostly about you, but also about role model me, or rather us then?  And what exactly is it about you, and or us?"

"Well, you always seem to be so calm and collected.  Like you got your shit together on this hom . . . this gay thing.  It's all strange and new to me.  I don't know what I'm meant to be like, what I should think.  You just seem to be the same, like nothing major's happened, like you've always been gay.  Have you?  I so want to be like you, but I don't know what it is I should feel, or what it is I'm supposed to do.  How do I act gay?  Should I do more cooking?  Choose the bed linen?  Learn to enjoy classical music?  What?

"Whoa, that's a lot in one go babe!  One step at a time, OK?"  Piers grinned.

"You must think I'm stupid, dumb ol' Bearfield again!"  Chris ran a hand nervously through his damp hair, he was clearly sweating now.  He wasn't at all used to lowering his guard and revealing the man behind the image, or the confusion beneath the single-minded approach he normally took with military matters.  Even now, with Piers sat calmly beside him, this was proving much harder to achieve than he'd expected.  And it didn't help that Piers sat so close next to him.  Looking cool, calm, collected, and not a little amused, like he always did on these awkward 'Bearfield' occasions.  The spicy warmth of his scent drawn in with every breath Chris took.

"Hey, don't ever think that about yourself, alright?"  Piers took Chris's large, scarred hands in his and held them gently, rubbing his thumbs soothingly over the callouses. 

"OK, first things first.  Cooking, furnishings, listening to classical music, they're all things you can enjoy, or not, whatever your sexuality.  Right?  You can enjoy them straight, or doing jazz-hands in a camp voice, it doesn't matter.  Don't believe the bullshit that enjoying something that doesn't revolve around a ball and a pitch is gay.  Or, conversely, that all jocks are secretly closet queens.  It takes all sorts, and each to their own.  This is a personal choice.  It shouldn't be something you feel has been dumped on you, by your colleagues or by society.  It's inside you babe, it's either there or it isn't."  Chris nodded in acceptance as he listened intently.

"Next, have I always been gay?"  Piers swallowed hard, this was the sort of thing he'd discussed with his Mom, but never with his own Pa.  He wasn't sure if discussing it with Chris would be any easier, but he was damned if he wouldn't try.  "Yes, pretty much, certainly since puberty.  I knew my preference well before I left high school."

"So you believe in this gay-gene thing, then?"  said Chris, looking questioningly into Piers' eyes.

"Ah, the born-gay theory?  Well, no actually.  I remember being 'normal', if that's the word, as a very young kid."  Piers was silent for a moment at the recollection, then he continued.  "I do think that some people are born gay, but I also think that others have gayness thrust upon them."  He laughed, looking at the confusion in Chris's face.  "What I mean babe is there are no hard and fast rules, at least not in my experience.  Did you ever feel gay as a kid?"

"No, I don't think so.  To be honest, the time before Mom and Dad . . . well, I don't remember too much of what I was like before.  The shock I guess.  Afterwards . . . afterwards I was too busy, looking after Claire and myself, keeping us together.  I grew up kinda' fast . . ."  Chris's voice trailed off, he hadn't expected this turn in the conversation.  Piers clasped his hands tighter in reassurance.

"S'ok babe.  It's good for you to talk, I really want to understand you, so I can help you better.  That's what I'm here for."  Piers smiled, he would have to lead Chris through this one.  "So, when you grew up, when you joined the air force.  What did you feel then?  Must have been a lot of testosterone 'flying' around in the academy, haha!  Did you have relationships, experiences?"

"Hmm, yeah, I suppose I was a late developer.  It wasn't something that important when I was raising Claire.  In the air force it was different . . . it was almost expected, I suppose.  Proof of your machismo.  You were all straight, by definition, so you did all the straight things."

"Ah, that would be girls then?"

"Yes . . . um, I'm sorry."

"Hey, what for?  You were only doing what was expected of you, as you said.  And under a lot of social and peer pressure too I shouldn't wonder.  I wasn't asking who, just if."

"Well, I think you know most of the who's by now anyway.  Some girls during the air force, then Jill and Sheva."

"Jessica?" 

"Oh, Jesus, I don't even wanna think about that relationship!  I was never quite sure about her, but she suckered me in just like everyone else.  They all ended badly one way or another, even Jill.  Guess I should have realised then that something was wrong . . . with me."

"You don't really believe that, do you?  From what I understand, you were always under incredible pressure during those partnerships, mental as well as physical.  It's no wonder you sought some comfort through physical relationships.  But they weren't exactly the best circumstances for things to be lasting or stable.  You can't take all the blame all the time Chris.  None of us is perfect.  And it's not wrong to be homosexual.  It's just another form or normal.  You've gotta understand that for starters, babe."

"So, what does that say about us here, today?  Are we another blameless mistake about to happen?  Is all this, what we have right now, just me finding passing gratification from work?  Trying something different for a change, but for the same old reasons?  Christ, Piers, you can see why I'm confused and fucked-up!"

"No, you’re not fucked-up, Chris, and your confusion is more from lack of experience, well the right kind of experience at least.  Look, I've never been with a woman, never wanted to, so I can't speak for that.  But I have been with other men though . . ." 

Chris suddenly looked alarmed, but Piers smiled reassuringly once more.  "No, not many, and never, ever, anyone like you.  They were gratifying sexually, well usually, but there's so much more to a healthy, loving relationship.  I've always been looking for that, and when I first met you, I knew I'd found it, that I'd finally got to where I was meant to be.  And I think you've found that too now.  You entered willingly into a relationship that was totally outside your norm.  Totally unexpected, and you did it of your own free will.  Am I right?" 

The twinkling hazel eyes peered deeply into the sad brown ones, challenging them to deny the obvious.  They weren't disappointed.  Chris leant forward and kissed his partner gently.

"Yes, you're right, as usual.  Sometimes I swear you know me better than I've ever done myself.  Our love was totally unexpected . . . well, almost."

"Almost?  Tell me more, you've got me intrigued now babe!"  Piers grinned.  'Have you been holding out on me?"  He was genuinely surprised, and secretly pleased, but like a true sniper, he concealed it well.

"Well, I kinda hoped we were gonna' be something special, at work, for the BSAA.  From that day I first interviewed you in 2010.  But nothing as special as this, not this feeling in my guts, like butterflies zooming around inside.  Not this feeling in my chest, like my heart's pulling negative-g all the time I'm with you.  No one's ever made me feel quite the same.  Is that it then Piers?  Is that what being gay is?  Is that what I'm supposed to feel?"

Piers laughed.  "Oh Chris, my dear, sweet, Captain.  That's not being gay.  That's something altogether different, and special.  That's love, and because I feel it too, that makes it true love in my book.  And so, since you’re a man, and I'm a man, I can say with a fair degree of certainty, that you, Christopher Redfield, are officially gay.  Even if you don't like opera, and don't like choosing the curtains, or waving your hands in the air at parties.  You are still gay, and I wouldn't have you any other way, believe me!"

They talked through the afternoon and late into the December evening.  And not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, Piers bought order and calm to the confusion and fear Chris that had bottled-up inside.  And by the end of their conversation Chris realised that something that had seemed so complicated and so emotional to him was really nothing of the kind.  That with Piers by his side, and the love that they shared, all things were possible, even facing the truth.

"So I don't have to worry about all that really 'gay' stuff?  It's OK to be ga . . . to be . . . homosexual.  There, I said it."

"Not for me babe, I love you just the way you are.  Butch, straight-acting, pain in the ass Captain Bearfield.  And don't you ever try and change."  Piers pulled Chris in for a hug.

"So, that's a Grrr then?" whispered Chris softly into Piers' ear.

"Roger that." replied Piers, "Woof indeed!"

And so the butterflies danced once more in Chris's stomach, and his heart raced as it looped and soared.  And he and Piers held each other close, as only true lovers can.