The Next Big Thing, Oh My

Andrew Sullivan reports that the future keeps on rolling towards us like a tsunami wave. It's bad enough that now no one under 40 can take a step outside the house, or in some cases even from one room to another within it, without some iPoot in their hot little hands to assure them that yes, they are alive and yes they are befriended by the whole world - and that everybody who's anybody now has that goddamn squawking box on their dashboard a-telling 'em every 5 seconds where they are and where they should have been going.

No, my friends, you ain't seen nothin' yet. Listen to this:

Meanwhile, by the end of this year we will have Google glasses that act like a smartphone and look like Oakleys:

They will also have a unique navigation system. "The navigation system currently used is a head tilting to scroll and click," [blogger Seth Weintraub] wrote this month. "We are told it is very quick to learn and once the user is adept at navigation, it becomes second nature and almost indistinguishable to outside users." ... The glasses will have a low-resolution built-in camera that will be able to monitor the world in real time and overlay information about locations, surrounding buildings and friends who might be nearby, according to the Google employees.

Good golly, Miss Molly. I strongly suspect that by the time the young generation reaches middle age, they won't a one of 'em be able to scratch their nose or wipe their ass without some machine telling them just exactly when and how to do it.  (The ex-roommate has had to lay down the law to his adult kids:  at family get-togethers, no cell phones in sight.)

Please, people: are you live, or are you just Memorex?

Oh and don't think the techies have left the most important thing out of their devious cogitations: in no time at all, sexbots will be the next essential appliance - coming soon to a big box near you, just like microwaves and VCR's did - remember how amazing that seemed, that you could actually record a TV program at home?  The Japanese are already way ahead on the project, and you know how successful they were with transistor radios and color TV's.

But once everybody has their own custom-programmed, variable-gender, stain-resistant, Windows-compliant, UL-rated sexbot at home (will they sync your favorite playlist and automatically update your Twitter feed every time you fuck, I wonder?) what will happen to all the gay chat rooms? And will you have to pay a cover charge to bring your sexbot to the bar with you? Or will you have to park him outside, like your Toyota?

O brave new world, that has such machinery in it!