Sixty years ago, I saw this film, or one very like it, in my high-school P. E. class. Quite well-made for the time. There was much nervous laughter in the room: the shock of recognition.
Since puberty had already begun for me the previous summer, this was a timely message. But even more helpful was the book Boys and Sex by Wardell Pomeroy, one of Dr. Kinsey's associates. It told me everything I needed to know and more, simply and clearly, without moralizing. A great help to a gay boy just beginning the long, often painful journey of self-discovery in an uncomprehending world.
I. Ted Olson eloquently sums up the whole case for marriage equality in this short interview. Andrew Sullivan says, "I've been making these points for many many years. I cannot express how affirming it is to hear such a distinguished conservative jurist defend the civil rights of gay citizens - especially such a fundamental, core right as civil marriage."
Sullivan also writes a longer post today on this topic. Excerpt:
The church - even in its current High Ratzinger phase - opts for inclusion over exclusion. It allows the infertile to marry. It does not remove the Sacrament of Matrimony from those who do not produce kids. It even annuls countless marriages, many of which have been consummated, in enormously large numbers. It marries those past child-bearing age. It treasures adopted kids, even though they violate Ross's parent-procreating "microcosm of civilization" ideal. And that's only the Catholic church. The Protestant churches freely allow divorce and contraception - breaking both the monogamy and the procreative elements of Ross's ideal (which is to say all of it). So in the religious sphere, the Church breaks its own ideal with regularity, and the other churches have long since given almost all of it up. And yet the Catholic church still insists that its ideal be enforced as an act of civil exclusion in the secular sphere, even on people who are atheists.
On what conceivable grounds, if you pardon the expression? Look at how diverse current civil marriages are in the US. The range and diversity runs from Amish families with dozens of kids to yuppie bi-coastal childless couples on career paths; there are open marriages and arranged marriages; there is Rick Santorum and Britney Spears - between all of whom the civil law makes no distinction. The experience of gay couples therefore falls easily within the actual living definition of civil marriage as it is today, and as it has been now for decades. To exclude gays and gays alone is therefore not the upholding of an ideal (Britney Spears and Larry King are fine - but a lesbian couple who have lived together for decades are verboten) so much as making a lone exception to inclusion on the grounds of sexual orientation. It is in effect to assert not the ideal of Catholic Matrimony, but the ideal of heterosexual superiority. It creates one class of people, regardless of their actions, and renders them superior to another.
II. David Boies wipes the floor with Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, co-founded by the infamous George Rekers of rentboy fame:
Have to say, it's gratifying but really surrealistic to this old shitkicker to see these straight men defending gay rights so passionately - something that simply Does.Not.Happen down here in Jesusland.
III. On a completely different line of thought, Andrew Brown writes in the Guardian about wedding-day extravagance and pretentiousness:
The modern wedding, with its stupendous cost (£20,000 on average) and duration, is really a celebration of the participants. They really are unique and precious snowflakes, just as they have suspected all along. In fact, they are each and both of them just the unique and precious people they would like to be. Everyone pretends that for the day the couple really are starring in their own film: following the conventions of modern films, that means nothing really bad can happen to them.
Feeling unique and treasured and valued for yourself is exactly the point of being in love, and it's very nice. But it's not realistic. In particular, it's a disastrous attitude to bring to a wedding. There will be times when you appear – and are – not in the least bit treasured or valued, and when you'll be unlucky to be thought unique: everyone going through a divorce is convinced for a while they were married to the absolutely worst spouse in history.
The great point about completely impersonal ceremonies, whose form is the same for everyone, whether these are religious or entirely civil, is that they remind us that the problems and difficulties of marriage are universal. They come from being human. They can't be dodged just by being our wonderful selves, even all dusted with unicorn sparkle.
Of course, it's your privilege to do as you like on your "special day," whether that involves gold lamé or faded denim. But your Head Trucker has never thought much of expensive spectacle at a moment when a sober, solemn vow is the central idea - which partakes of the sacred in some sense, even if exchanged by two atheists in front of a county clerk.
Nor do I favor the hippie practice of writing your own vows - for one thing, the vast majority of folks who are not trained writers have a tin ear for language, and produce something sickly-sweet that grates on the nerves like fingernails on a blackboard. For another thing, it's embarassing to witness the uncensored little-girl fantasies on display in such vows, full of totally unrealistic notions drawn from fairy tales, pop songs, and romantic movies. As everyone who has been married - or at least as nearly so as is possible without benefit of law - knows, there is a very good reason why the Dunmow flitch has rarely ever been claimed.
Which is why your Head Trucker, if the occasion ever arose, would much prefer to use the simple, ordinary words of the traditional marriage service - which to my mind, creates a connection, a spiritual union, between the couple and all the countless other couples who have come before to this sacred moment - all pledging the same troth, or truth. To me, a lovely, sterling idea, more precious than anything money can buy.
In the Name of God, I, N., take you, N., to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.
But as all that is getting to be an entirely moot point at this late age, your Head Trucker will just shut up now and go back to tending his own garden.
IV. Male sexuality is really and truly different from female sexuality, whether we're talking heteros or homos. It has taken many years for this to really dawn on your Head Trucker, and it leads me to some interesting conclusions about what fidelity really means in practice and in the heart. But more about that another time.
For now, I'll just say that looking back, there were times when I went nuclear over things - very human things - that in retrospect were not worth the subsequent anguish on both sides. I was following a script learnt by heart from old movies and Victorian novels - both of which genres were quite consciously crafted so as not to offend the sensibilities of little old blue-haired church ladies who, when duty demanded, gritted their teeth and thought of England or whatever; but that was a false model for me in many ways.
With age comes, if not wisdom, then at least clarity, you know?
Cheers to Meredith for having the courage to come out publicly, which as she is says in the NBC interview is indeed a political act, not merely a personal one; and which might just help to change a few people's minds. Brava!
I always thought she was sexy - for a woman - in a cool, understated, got-my-act-together way. Not a tits-and-ass blonde. Not overly girly, either. And just a very slight boyishness, but only a soupçon. Looking back now, I can see the lesbian quality; but it never jumped out at me. These things never do. I mean hell, I never thought there was anything suspicious about George Clooney, either - until the ex-roommate made me sit through a whole movie of his.
And then I was like, Girlfriend, who are you trying to fool?
The ex-roommate and I chatted about Meredith on the phone last night; and we agreed that women's sexuality - gay or straight - is obviously a very different thing from men's. Not something I can pretend to understand at all.
Because my first thought on hearing the news was, how the hell can you get to be nearly 60 years old and not know what it is you really want?
But then the ex-roommate pointed out that while men's sex drive peaks at about 18 or 19, it doesn't peak for women until they are in their 30's. And women are socially conditioned to be the more-or-less passive receptors in heterosexual relationships. So I sort of see how a woman could drift along, not terribly enthusiastic about sex with men, but thinking that's normal.
And actually, in the last decade I did know two different professional women at work who both were married and yet one day woke up to realize they were gay, got divorced, took up with female partners. I never got to talk with them in depth about how all that occurred, but I do know it happens. It's also rather tragic for the husbands; one of the husbands of these two women also worked in the same place, and I got to know him fairly well as a workmate. The divorce really shook him up for a while; understandably so, when this life you've built for 20 years suddenly disappears.
But of course that's the chance you take with any partner, any spouse, isn't it? Even if the gay thing is not an issue. Despite all the prayers and promises and protestations of eternal love - well, there really are no guarantees in this mortal life. Things change, people change. You pays your money and you takes your chances. And life goes on.
And the thought has occurred to me that if the sex roles had not been so very, very rigidly defined by church and state all these many centuries, well, perhaps we would all find our sexuality to be somewhat more fluid than we perceive it to be here in modern Western society.
I guess I can trust my Truckbuddies with this little secret: once in a great while, and I do mean a great while, your Head Trucker happens to notice something about a woman in passing that otherwise he goes months and years without ever seeing, oblivious to it. Or again, once in a long, long while, in a moment of repose, an image or thought will flicker through his head like a bat through a cave, a sudden surprise in the dark.
Surely this must happen to some straight men too, the other way around; only they of course never, ever admit it. Human nature being what it is, I just have to believe that most people probably wonder once or twice just what the grass on the other side of the fence is like. If it weren't for curiosity, we'd all still be living in the trees, right?
And then once when I was about 35, there was this smart, beautiful, friendly, charming girl in the next cubicle - oh but that was just stupidity on my part, I made a damn fool of myself for about a week with a truly ridiculous thought in mind. And then wised up and moved on.
So a few times over the years, even I have looked in the mirror and thought with a shock, OMG what if I'm a closet bisexual? Wouldn't that be a kick in the head? Grin.
But I hasten to assure my readers that, these odd little side currents and eddies notwithstanding, the main tide flows on strong and full, undisturbed. Old Man River, he just keeps rolling along, you know what I mean?
BTW - that Matt Lauer is something else, isn't he? Killer smile. If only he had a beard or at least a stache, he would be like, soooo damn hot!
The Prophet Jeremiah says, “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you” and “before you were born, I consecrated you” (Jeremiah 1: 5.) Do you believe that about yourself? Do you believe that you are not “an accident” that your life has value and purpose? You are unique, gifted with a combination of talents, intellect; life experiences and attributes which no one else on earth possesses.
The two commandments [i.e., love God with all your heart, and love your neighbor as yourself], which Jesus teaches his disciples, serve to integrate us. First with our self. First, we must appreciate that we are created by a God who is love, a God who does not make mistakes, and a God who does not make trash. You are not defective, you are not disordered, and you are not deformed. Your gender, your eye color, the pigmentation of your skin, your intellect, and your sexual orientation is all willed by the Creator. You are willed by the Creator and the fact that you live and draw breath at this very moment is willed by the Creator.
The Creator has also created each other person on this earth as well as all other creatures and the planet and cosmos which sustain life. We are part of a larger organic whole. To hurt another person, creature, the planet, etc; is in fact, to hurt you. The consequence of hurtful decisions and choices creates a ripple effect in other lives and in the whole of the created order.
Once we learn to love and accept our self, we begin to move to greater personal wholeness and integrity within our self. We begin to see and actualize our yet unrealized potential. We begin to learn from errors of judgment. We become more sensitive to the hurts we have caused others and learn to ask for forgiveness and to avoid hurting others in the future.
We learn to become a living reflection of the Creator who is love itself. Who has moved beyond self to create others and me. We begin to see all of the created order and being ordered towards love, towards reintegration, towards potentials, which can only be realized in and through the other.
Sex is designed by God to require us to move beyond the self. If you look at the physical act of sex, it teaches you something of what is suppose to happen between two people in an intimate encounter. You undress, for intimacy to occur between two people it requires you to undress. Not just physically, but also emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. You reveal yourself to the other. Your true self, with all of your strengths and weaknesses. Your hopes/dreams and your fears and what haunts you. You become vulnerable to the other in this moment and they to you and the wonderful occurs when the other accepts you “as is.”
Lovely words, lovely thoughts, Padre. Perhaps I would find it easier to put faith in them if I hadn't spent years listening to these very sentiments being read out from the pulpit already.
And then the preacher turned the page and began, "Do you not know that the effeminate and men who lie with men shall not inherit the kingdom of God? . . ."
Which put the lie to everything he had just said. And left me sitting on the edge of the dark and terrible abyss.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is discord, harmony; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. Grant that I may seek not so much to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive; it is in pardoning that we are pardoned; and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen.
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We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love.
and welcome to the Blue Truck, a blog for mature gay men with news and views on gay rights, history, art, humor, and whatever comes to mind. Plus a few hot men. The truck's all washed and gassed up, so hop in buddy, let's go.
CAUTION: For mature gay men only beyond this point. Some posts and links may not be suitable for children or the unco guid. You have been warned.
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Churches say that the expression of love in a heterosexual monogamous relationship includes the physical, the touching, embracing, kissing, the genital act - the totality of our love makes each of us grow to become increasingly godlike and compassionate. If this is so for the heterosexual, what earthly reason have we to say that it is not the case with the homosexual?
It is a perversion if you say to me that a person chooses to be homosexual. You must be crazy to choose a way of life that exposes you to a kind of hatred. It's like saying you choose to be black in a race-infected society.
If God, as they say, is homophobic, I wouldn't worship that God.
