That Picket Fence

A young gay couple chooses monogamy over an open relationship:

I’m not like that. Call it jealousy, call it insecurity, I simply couldn’t process being open. Both my partner and I come from stable, loving homes with heterosexual parents that have remained committed and monogamous. They, along with greater society, have taught us that this lifestyle brings the greatest deal of personal joy and emotional fulfillment. We have fully bought into the idea and don’t think ourselves narrow-minded for doing so. You could argue we are being blinded by societal norms rather than fully experiencing what we may carnally desire. That may even be true, but: we are happy. For us sex is still all of these things: a primal fit of passion of physical desire, an intense emotional intimacy, or just a way to release an unrelenting case of morning wood. I simply cannot imagine the man I love sharing himself in any of those ways and then returning to our bed after a shower.

We want what our parents have. Give us about thirty years and you might get an invite to our future son or daughter’s (most likely heterosexual) wedding. We’ll be in the front row: the proud Dads that still want only each other.

I call it maturity and character.

Anybody can be a dog, or a 14-year-old with an everlasting boner, whacking it at every opportunity with or without a partner. Even when they're past 60. It takes no talent, no self-respect, no commitment of any kind - just a hard-on.

If you can't be any other way, well, fine. Enjoy your life.

Just don't lie about it, starting with yourself - and don't mindfuck guys who want something that can't be found on every street corner.


See also: Being a Man Means Putting Others Before Yourself.

Evolution, Also Known as Clarity

Found at the Bilerico Project:  A gay man who, full of 70's anti-marriage rancor, long derided the institution is now addressing wedding invitations with his fiance, much to his astonishment:

I can barely believe I'm saying this - 2 years ago I would have labeled this line of thought reactionary and dangerous - but I have no doubt that the best way to spend the rest of my life is in a sexually exclusive, till-death-do-us-part relationship with this man who wants the same thing and wants it with me. The vow of permanence, the no-exit of it, is what makes it desirable, what makes it even possible. I wouldn't consider it otherwise. It is what allows me to relax into its arms. It is what allows me to experience it as an opening up rather than a shutting down of possibilities. I don't have to worry when we fight what it means about our future. What it means is that we better talk it out now because forever is a long time to live with resentment caused by an argument about washing the dishes.

I am 50 years old. I have been in relationships that were beautiful and intense, that lasted years, with the most wonderful men, relationships for which I have no regrets but on the contrary have deep gratitude and appreciation, but they ended, and I have no interest in endings any more. I've said that, though I love cats and miss having them around, I don't want any more cats because I watched 4 of them die and I can't do it again. I can't do it again.

I don't want a contingent relationship, I don't want a commitment that's good until one of us falls in love with someone else or feels restless or bored or trapped, or until we "grow apart." It's a marriage. If we grow apart, we'll grow the fuck back together.

I know for a fact that my change in attitude has something to do with my age. I could not have made this commitment, I could not have felt this way, wanted this, when I was 25, or 35, or 45. I know exactly what I'm putting aside for this, and I know I'm done with it.

For the record, some of us never bought that 70's free-love jazz to begin with, and felt that way and wanted all that when we were 25, and the disco era not yet quite gone away. 

I'm just sayin'.

The Three Kinds of Men

Here's something I posted in response to Kirk Read's advice column over on DaddyHunt Blog. Kirk says,

OK, I’m going to risk pissing off the entire gay movement here by saying that this whole business of marriage and monogamy is contrary to our nature. While being gay is genetic, having a single mate for the rest of your life, or even for a certain period of time, is a choice. That’s not to say it’s a bad thing to be monogamous. Monogamy can be a great way to bond with someone or a container wherein you can increase intimacy. I support monogamy when it’s a conscious choice, but I resist it when it’s the expected default setting.

And here's what I posted, slightly modified for clarity and emphasis:

Many years ago when I was first coming out at age 25, an older (38!) guy I dated and became good friends with gave me two very good pieces of advice: If you're married, be married; and, If you want to stay a couple, stay out of bars.

Comparing humans to animals only works to a certain degree of comparison; after that it's flawed logic. Animals, for example, often eat one another; breed with their parents and sibs; abandon their young; and shit anywhere they feel like. So we can't say we should just do what the animals do, although God knows lots of men act like dogs.

My observation after being out for nearly 30 years is that some men are just constitutionally unable to be either monogamous; or honest; or truly intimate (emotionally and psychologically, not merely sexually) with a partner. Or all three. Whether that's a male thing or a specifically gay male thing, I can't say, but there's no point expecting that type of guy to ever be faithful and trustworthy with one partner. Ain't gonna happen, ever. He's a party boy and always will be, end of story.

There's another type that is just intrinsically dishonest with himself, and usually a perpetual adolescent. Wishywashy. Wants to have his cake and eat it too. Today he says oh yes he really, really wants to be married and monogamous, for good and ever, he's so tired of the bars and the tricks and all that. And it may be that he really believes what he's saying; and he will look you straight in the eye while doing so, with all apparent sincerity and expressions of true undying love. But he's so out of touch with his real self, his mind and his feelings are so clouded by denial and self-doubt and self-pity - and usually a long habit of hiding the truth - that he doesn't even realize he's lying. And tomorrow, or the day after, he will be sniffing after some strange stuff, and making up some weird justification/excuse for it when you catch him at it. Again, no point ever expecting this guy will be husband material, he's a revolving door.

Then there is most definitely a type of man who is faithful, honest, monogamous, and loving. For life. Who means what he says and says what he means. Who knows himself, believes in himself, and believes in his partner too. Who enjoys sex as much as anyone, but is much more interested in building a strong solid house than a sand castle, and has the mental and emotional tools to succeed at that. And if somewhere, sometime he trips up - and even the best of us are still only human - he'll own up to it and make amends; though he won't make a habit of it. He's a grown-up man, not a boy. This is the guy you should snag if you want a husband for life, though you have to be very, very careful and take your time; the other two types very frequently masquerade as this type of guy. But time reveals everything, which is why a long engagement is always a really good idea.

Love is not enough; marriage is for grown-up men of honesty and integrity. Now if two guys like that get together, they will stay together; and if they decide to play together, then that's up to them. But seems to me much of the time what happens is, one grown-up guy falls for one of the other types; and then there's only heartache in the long run for that couple.

Back to what my friend said at the start of this post: if you DON'T want to be married, for God's sake don't pretend you do. Stay single, keep playing and having fun as long as you can, because you sure ain't getting any younger. Just because gay marriage is legal in some places now (and more to come we hope) does NOT mean every man needs to be married or should be. You want to be a perpetual teenager and get your rocks off with all the other boyz of whatever age, fine and dandy. Have at it, it's a free country and you damn well better enjoy life while you're living.

But some of us want more, and we'll see the job through with the right man for all our days, through all the ups and downs of life, regardless of what the fashionable attitudes might be. That's my 2 cents, for what it's worth to anyone.

What do you say, Truckbuddies? Agree or disagree?