I happened upon this doco the other day, coinciding with a mix of memories, feelings, and reflections I've been having lately about my life as a gay man. At the dawn of my seventies, I have a greater perspective about many things that used to worry or trouble me - as well as a few new things to think about (old age is a surprise).
Perhaps I will share some of those thoughts and new realizations with my truckbuddies in days to come; suffice it to say, I feel much better about myself nowadays than in my lonely, troubled youth.
To be content with what we are and what we have - especially those things we cannot change - is the path of wisdom and the well of peace. In this frantic "more and better" world, "good enough" is an overlooked blessing.
Rejoice in the day, for the night is coming.
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2 comments:
(I will save the video till later, but I don't want to wait to comment; also I'm pretty satisfied with my penis and the fact that it still works). At 76 and having a new ache or pain every day, and hearing aids and cataracts and MRIs and ultra-sounds and physical therapy and blood tests but still mostly healthy by all measures, I do find myself looking back fairly often...rather that look in a mirror to see the stranger I've become. The old photos reveal a younger me, almost cute and dare I say sexy. Unfortunately I did not feel cute or sexy when I was 25, or 30, or 40 when I met Leon. I've had an "inferiority complex" (is that still a term) my whole life and have been dealing with depression on and off forever. (a long line of therapists and several useless meds). I am of late having depressive days, a lack of motivation and a lack of interest in just about everything. But I've learned to put up a good front. I'm an existentialist at heart and realize one cannot step into the same river twice.
I can relate to most everything you said, buddy. Of course you were cute and sexy when you were young, and so was I - only we totally didn't see it. Until recent years, I thought I was ugly. And when I looked at a pic of myself, my mind said FAGGOT! That was the notorious internalized homophobia, of course - self-loathing.
But I've lived long enough now to have some distance between me and my younger self, and can see him as he was without the yelling in my head. I recently looked back at some videos I posted on the BT years ago, and was truly shocked to discover what M.P. has said for years, that I have a deep voice. NOT a gay one. I'm still a bit blown away, and maybe I'll make a post about that one day. Also, not a gay face - what a relief! - not bad at all - almost, well, butch. Waaay too much reality to digest at one time! Still processing all this.
(We're not going to talk about body issues, though. You can't have everything, I guess.)
I wrestled a long, long time with depression, and like you went through many therapists and meds. But a psychiatrist finally told me after some tests that there's no problem with my brain chemicals - it's outside of me, the cause, in my circumstances. Omitting a long and needless story, now I am in a good place and happy home with M.P., and doing fine. Our circumstances are humble but I thank God for all we do have.
I've discovered that having an "attitude of gratitude" as the pscho-babblers used to say is really the key to happiness, for me at least. I used to bitch and moan a lot, but now I try to focus on what I have rather than what I don't. Takes a lot of living to really "get" that concept, and I still lose my shit sometimes over stupid stuff, but a grateful attitude has helped me a lot.
And at our age, Frank, we had better enjoy what's left of this ride on planet Earth while we can. I think of my friends and all those thousands of guys who died in the plague, how they would have given all they possessed just to live as long as we have. So we should just hang and enjoy what life remains to us. All our problems and regrets are only temporary, in the prospect of eternity, ya know?
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