Today's subject is the brand-new element of Ununoctium - his friends call him Uuo because he has a half-life of only 890 microseconds - which was just added to the periodic table at square 118, somewhere south of the ghost of Paul Lynde. Wow, how things change - there were only 103 of those little periodic critters when your Head Trucker was in skool. Um, I think.
Despite his blue-blooded background as a member of the Noble Gasses - oh Mary, don't ask! - the modest Uuo is, like, totally hip in his skinny jeans, Wayfarers, and lumbersexual beard, and has an awesome tie-died man bun that's already the envy of his new neighborhood. Although he claims not to mind all the wild polysexual rumors, Uuo refuses to be pinned down, saying only, "Labels are for canned goods." Wow, so deep.
He's also a totally cool single dad, with a daughter named Livermorium. I'm not making this up. Hey, it's not much worse than naming a girl Madison or Taylor or even freakin' Noah, is it? Besides, as we now know, gender is just an illusion. So don't judge, okay? Just stop it.
Anyway, with her adorable oscillating freckles and neon-aqua pigtails, she's the cutest little thing, only 53 microseconds tall, but already loves sushi and belly dancing and is a whiz at Mario Kart 8. Did I mention she's finishing her Ph.D. in quantum physics next month, and was elected Most Popular at nursery school too?
On top of all that, she loves growing organic, low-fat, gluten-free arugula in the back yard, which she gives away free to hungry Third World kids she meets while demonstrating for world peace at the United Nations. In her free time, she's writing her first novel (about a transgendered, cross-species, time-traveling Kabuki actor's obsessive pursuit of Antonin Scalia) on her iPad Pro. What a great kid, huh? Political commentators are already sizing her up as a potential favorite in the 2040 election.
Uuo is a very proud dad, needless to say: "I told her, all you have to do is just be yourself, sweetheart, and everything will naturally fall into place - she did the rest."
And you've done what with your life lately, bucko?
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